how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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