I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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