so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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