I'm drive I can fine osifer
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
