You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
ttyl tear gas
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
