I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
