I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
