**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
