today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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