Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
