As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
