My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
