i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
