Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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