There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
