Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
