The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You can't special order awesome
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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