smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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