he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
