I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Send help, water and tortillas.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize