His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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