An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
