halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize