Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize