i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
