He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
