He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
