hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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