Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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