Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My penis needs a shock collar
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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