I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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