Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
