This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
