i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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