i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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