wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
