i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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