would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize