I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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