I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
