If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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