I can tuck mytits in my pants
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
