I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
