I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
