I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
