so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
