I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
