hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
