In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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