You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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