I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
