i'm signing you up for texting rehab
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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