it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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