At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
