**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
