I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
