dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
