Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
