I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
