Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
