Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
