Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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