why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
